Love US Weekly. Hate Heidi Klum.

I love Thursdays. The world’s best source for news arrives in my mailbox- US Weekly.

This fine example of a magazine gets a bad rap for being a tabloid and I think that is total horseshit. I earned a journalism degree from The Ohio State University and I know a great publication when I see one.

US Weekly has all the qualifying pieces of a solid newspaper.

• National News- while Kate from John and Kate Plus Eight is on a NATIONAL book tour, her husband is exploring a new idea for their show- John and Kate Date. ***Disclaimer- title for the new show has been trademarked and copyrighted by Janie.***
• Sports- Alex Rodriguez and Madonna were hooking up, but now Kate Hudson is getting some A-Rod action.
• Politics- Ben Affleck told The New York Times that he almost ran for Congress in 2004, but decided against it because his good friend told him it was a terrible idea. Um…. no worse than starring in Gigli. Where was his “friend” then?
• Finance- Ed McMahon foreclosed on his house.

There is however, one section that I would add to US Weekly- Letters to the Editor.

Here’s what I would write:

Dr. US Weekly:
Your publication is the absolute shit. Reading your fabulous articles is the only time when I feel it is totally appropriate to ignore my husband and children. Their little cries for attention sometimes become so annoying that I fake a stomach issue, lock myself in the bathroom, turn on the fan, and read your magazine from cover to cover.

While I may be your biggest fan, I want you to know that I have a serious issue with one of your subjects- Heidi Klum.

She may be climbing America’s #1 Darling list, but I’m on to that bitch. First of all, her stupid little German accent is fake. That’s right, Heidi Klum is an imposter. There is no way she is German because everyone knows that Germans eat Weiner schnitzel, sauerkraut, and potato salad. In fact, I don’t think she is even human. She may be an alien. I have included a photo of Ms. Klum, EIGHT WEEKS POST-PARTUM with her third child, at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show to prove this point.

In the May 4th issue, the “She Devil” reveals to US Weekly that she and husband, Seal, are expecting their fourth child.

Heidi tells the clearly gullible reporter, “I honestly don’t think, ‘Oh, my God, when I get bigger, what am I going to do with the weight after?’ People write crazy things about me, like I put vinegar on salad leaves so I have no appetite. It’s not true! I trust my body. My stomach can stretch out to the most enormous place, then it goes back with exercise and eating right.”

Come on US Weekly! Do you expect your readers to find this reporting credible? Ms. Klum is clearly a liar and needs to be exposed. So I, being a good reporter, do a little expose’ of my own.

Two weeks after having my second child I joined Weight Watchers. The editor should note that I AM of German heritage, but I followed the plan and banished all things resembling real food. No shout outs to beer or big doughy pretzels.

Ten weeks post-partum with my second child, I try to replicate Heidi’s outfit at the Victoria Secret show. I bedazzle one of my old thongs and put on my best push up bra. Unable to secure a pair of Angel Wings, I accessorize with a pair of high heels because that is supposed to make you look sexier in your skivvies.

I was going to send a picture for publication, but Holy Shit, it was too offensive! So here is my conclusion. Heidi may be a Supermodel, but she is NOT a Supermom. She has two nannies, a sick metabolism, alien genes, and a great plastic surgeon.

In future issues I would like your reporters to cut the crap about Heidi’s growing family and how amazing her relationship is with Seal. Who cares that they get remarried every year? I think it would be more relevant to report on how her boobs don’t sag to her hips (see Heidi’s picture in the attached Jordache ad- also at 8 weeks post-partum).

In these tough economic times, everyone enjoys a good joke. But myself and women across the world, look to your publication for factual news and trust that you report the truth.

Anyway, I love, love, love, love your magazine outside of the reporting on Heidi. Please keep up the great work!

Your biggest fan,
Janie