No Spanx + Rice Lady = Catastrophe.

Saturday started out as an amazing day. I had weighed in at Weight Watchers and in the 11 weeks since giving birth to my daughter I had starved 12.5 pounds off of my body. The tasteless food was paying off!

Both sets of grandparents had offered to take a baby overnight and my husband and I were joining our friends for dinner and drinks at a local winery. I was excited for wine. My husband was excited for what happens after I drink wine.

No kids + Wine = A Good Time.

Blissfully childless and feeling super skinny I decided it was time to bring sexy back. My weight loss had inspired me to put away the maternity clothes and squeeze into my old wardrobe. I knew this would require Spanx and a new bra. So I went shopping. Alone!

I found a bra with a shelf in each cup. This amazing contraption put the girls’ right back where they belong.

My bra was going to cost a small fortune and I didn’t want to alarm the budget Nazi (husband), so I decided to forego the girdle. After all, I WAS skinny and didn’t really need Spanx... Bad decision.

No Spanx + Rice Lady = Catastrophe.

I was standing in the buffet line, piling veggies on my plate, when she-satan came up to me and said, “You HAVE to try the rice. It’s to die for. I came back for seconds.”

I didn’t want any rice. I was saving my weekly W.W. points for alcohol and dessert, but I didn’t want to be “that girl” so I put a little rice on my plate.

“Oh look at you all cute and pregnant in your dress,” she said, now eyeing my Spanx-less stomach.

“I’m skinny, not pregnant, you horrible bitch!” Janie screamed in my head.

Everything went black. I couldn’t breathe and it was all I could do to not curl up in the fetal position and cry.

“How far along are you? Wait let me guess,” she gushed before I could even respond. “Six months?”

Oh god, now Janie was conjuring up criminal visions in my head. I pictured shoving pounds of rice in her fat mouth until she choked and died.

While she continued on about pregnancy and babies, I somehow managed to utter, “I’m NOT pregnant. I just had a baby. This is my first night away from her.”

The rice lady turned as red as her ugly lipstick and began apologizing profusely. Luckily for her, my friend grabbed my arm and led me out of the room. She sat me down next to my husband. I began to drink. Not eat.

My friend was angrier and drunker than I had ever seen her. “Don’t worry!" she yelled loud enough for rice lady to hear. "She looks two years pregnant with a WHALE."

“What happened?” my husband asked. And as my friend filled him in, I could see his heart sink. Not because he felt bad for me, because his whole night had just been ruined.

Rice Lady + Wine = Drunk, Crying, No Libido.

Saturday started as an amazing day. It didn’t end that way- not even with the kids being at grandmas overnight.

The next day I was hung over and trying to think if I had ever known of a pregnant person going to a winery. Nope.

I tried to find the silver lining and I came up with this- my amazing belly had incubated each of my beautiful children for nine months. They entered this world happy and healthy.

“Oh what a nice thought,” I heard Janie say. “You’re still fat.”

I’m definitely sticking to Weight Watchers this week. I would rather eat tasteless food than rice.