A Pictures Is Worth A Thousand Words

I started 2010 with three New Years Resolutions.
#1- Get in shape. Not anything crazy- like Jessica Biel shape- just not flabby, I want to vomit when I see myself naked in the mirror shape.
#2- Have newleywed relations. The goal here is frequency. A job and two kids getting up every other night can be killer on the love life.
#3- Keep up with my blog and post weekly.
I recently read a article that said only 40-45% of Americans make New Years Resolutions. That statistic made me feel smug. Atleast I am more motivated than 60% of people to set goals for myself.
Five weeks into the New Year I revisited that article. Not feeling so smug now. Only 75% of resolutions are followed past the first week, 65% after one month, and 46% after six months.
Wow......I guess my resolutions must fall into the 1% that never really get off the ground.
On the contrary, I have found a hobby that I have continued to exercise- with vigorous intensity I might add. Photography. I have always been interested in photography. For Christmas I got a new camera and while I haven't picked up a weight, turned into a nimpho, or blogged weekly- I have spent time exploring my inner photographer.

I love this picture of Addie. It's like she's looking at me and saying, "What are we going to do today?"
Trying to give her incentive to crawl. She wasn't buying it.


Moving on to pulling herself up. She was more into this. She was exploring Tyler's train table while he was napping. I think she is thinking, "Thank god he went to bed. Now I can play with those f"in cars and trains without him throwing a fit."


Both of my kids are precious. Addie is at my favorite age- 10 months. She is full of wonder and excitement. She is very sweet and loving. She is my Sunshine and she makes me happy when skies are grey.

The Pregnancy Diet

I gained 55 disgusting pounds during my first pregnancy. Only 44 pounds the second one. I decided it wasn't reasonable to eat a Snickers bar everyday.

I was so nauseated that I couldn't stand the smell of my husband, my dogs, or the first floor of my house. I had the kind of nausea that makes you want to die. I did my fair share of worshiping the porcelain God every morning.

I learned very early on that "morning sickness" is a myth. It should be called morning, afternoon, and night sickness. Or maybe 24 hour sickness. I am so sick I want to die and kill my husband sickness. I am a miserable excuse for a human being sickness. I hate the world sickness. You get my drift. Pregnancy is not a becoming condition for me. I am not one of those women who glow. I glower.

I did however, have a twinge of jealousy the other day when I encountered a giant pregnant woman in line at Panera. I was trying to decide what I could eat and stay on my diet. She ordered an entire container of blueberry scones and began eating them. I decided to stick around to eat my bland, low-calorie soup just to see if she was going to eat all of them.

She came pretty close. It was quite impressive.

This got me thinking... Maybe I do miss certain aspects of pregnancy. An official name for my aforementioned weight gain, The Pregnancy Diet is a 9-month pass to eat whatever, whenever.

Not trying to maintain a girlish figure is awesome. If you have never allowed yourself months and months to eat with reckless abandon, I genuinely suggest it.

My husband, the money Nazi of the house, likes to keep track of our expenses. Whenever I use my debit card he gets an email almost instantaneously. He jokes that when I am pregnant; he stops getting emails from my favorite stores and instead can track me by random restaurants.

What I miss most is my love affair with The Great Steak and Potato Co. I would open the place and order a huge chicken cheese steak with extra cheese, tons of mayo, banana peppers, onions, and green peppers. To make sure the post-meal heartburn was worth it, I would also ask for double, deep-fried French fries.

Another oldie buy goodie is McDonalds. The yellow arches symbolize my ballooning boobs, butt, and thighs after I hit the drive through window and order a bacon, egg, and cheese bagels. It's the best washed down with a coke and a strawberry milk shake. I probably had this nutritious meal 5 out of 7 days for the first 16 long, miserable weeks of my pregnancies.

Of course not all my pregnant food memories are positive. I had a particularly weird craving for a chili hot dog they sell at gas stations. I was topping it with mustard and onions when this fat kid, around 10-years-old, peeked around the corner of the gum aisle and called me, "fatty, fat, fat."

I thought I was just hearing things so I said, "What did you say?"

Clear as day, he said, "You don't need that. You are fatty, fat, fat, fat."

I didn't cry. I snapped, "I'm pregnant, what's your excuse fat Albert?"

His white-trash mom started yelling and threatening to call the cops and tell them I was "hollerin" at her son.

It wasn't my proudest moment. I left Speedway with my dog and my pride. First I ate it. Then I called my husband for a good cry and support. What I got was a lecture about calling a little fat kid- well, fat.

No longer under the influence of hormones, I do feel a little ashamed for what I said. I secretly hope that little shit makes it out of his trailer park and on The Biggest Loser. See ... no hard feelings.

I Just Want To Make It To Cocktail Hour

I love being a part-time stay at home mom. I do. It's just that sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed and that is when I need to escape.

For a couple of weeks now I have been looking forward to getting together with my girlfriends for a "Ladies" Christmas party. I use the term "Ladies" loosely because we act more like drunken frat boys when we are all together.
My evening is all lined up. Blake is staying home with Addie. Mee-Maw and Paw-Paw are taking Tyler for a special evening- this means even more spoiling from them than usual.

The anticipation of my joyful girls night out was so exciting that I didn't even blink this morning when I came downstairs and found that Archie had pooped on the rug- recently washed from the last time he decided to take a dump on the floor. When I went to flush his little present down the toilet, I stepped in a huge puddle of pee. I decided to blame this on Scarlett because she just looked guilty.

Trying not to cuss in front of Tyler, I banished both dogs outside to take care of business. For some reason they think that since it's cold outside, they can poop and pee in the house. While I am making breakfast Tyler asks me if he can let "Carley and Arcie" back inside "pease". I tell him no. There's a couple of minutes of silence and then he says, "Mom, Arcie cold. Pease."
Oh fine. Let them in.

Scarlett has been shivering and the only thing I can find for her to wear is a t-shirt that says "Vote for Pedro". She likes to linger by the fireplace for warmth. If the dogs quit pissing and pooping on my floor, Santa is going to bring them Snuggies for Christmas.

Addie had a little flu bug yesterday. She puked three times. I am so happy that she is sleeping it off.She looks like a sweet angel in her sleep. I am glad she is feeling better. One because she is just such a sweet baby and two because I really want to go to cocktail hour and a sick baby would put the kibosh on that.
We are finally dressed and heading to my sister-in-law and brothers house to see my new nephew. I have only seen him twice since he was born. I've been working and when I haven't been, my kids have snotty noses or the runs. Not good to take Germ I and II around a new baby.

I hear a horrifying sound from the back seat and smell bile and bacon. Tyler's turn to projectile. I feel so bad for him. I think puking scared him more than anything. I call my sister-in-law. "We can't make it," I tell her. "Kids still sick."
I am afraid Jenny may begin to think I make this stuff up. Tyler cries the whole way home because he wants to go see the baby. I am in tears because I don't think I'll be making "Ladies" night.

He refuses a bath and I don't want to fight him. I will just turn this into a teaching moment about good hygiene. We practice washing hands. Apparently this is fun for a two-year-old. He spends the next hour in the bathroom "watching mine hands".

No one eats lunch. The scent of bacon and bile is inescapable. I put them down for naps early. My mom calls and I now have the task of delivering bad news ... "Tyler is sick. I don't think he can spend the night tonight."
God Bless her. She doesn't take no for an answer. She says that unless he pukes again, she still wants him to spend the night. Score! There is a glimmer of hope left for my night out.

The husband calls. He doesn't think it is a good idea for Tyler to spend the night at my parents if he is sick. I tell him it is not a good idea for me to miss cocktail night. I am beginning to feel like a caged animal and I'm not sure that is good for our kids' well-being.

Yesterday I had a dance party with the kids. I was feeling a little wild and I let the I-Pod just play randomly. Tyler told me he liked my favorite song- Hypnotize by Notorious BIG. I didn't really think it would be a big deal to let him listen to my workout playlist. He's only two and doesn't really listen to the words in a song. Wrong. He has taken to calling Addie a "Silly Hoe". Thanks Biggie.

Today he told me that I had a "Big Tinky(stinky) butt." Kids say the darnedest things- which means that even if he has a little bug, he must be feeling good enough to say something cruel to his mom. Sounds to me like he is just fine to go to Mee-Maw and Paw-Paws. Sounds to me like Blake has Addie tonight and I'm going out to play with the girls.

Gold Chains N Thangs

My husband is many things. He is a great husband and dad. He is tall, blonde, attractive, obsessed with sports, freakishly smart, and shy. Shy that is- until you really get to know him. Once he’s warmed up to you, he is very sarcastic and he will tease you without mercy. That is why I don’t feel bad writing this blog entry and poking a little fun at one of Blake’s less admirable qualities- a fondness for 1980’s gold chains.

I came across his beloved gold chains when we moved in together many moons ago. I had this great little house and it was decorated exactly the way I wanted- a vision from the Pottery Barn catalogue.

I told Blake that though I was excited to merge our lives; my vision of our future didn’t encompass some- if not most- of his things.

“Think of it as like a rental- where all of the furniture is already included,” I told him, trying to cushion the blow. “All you need is to bring your clothes and toiletries.”

I thought my biggest battle would be the ESPN banner that he wanted to hang in the family room. I was wrong. The gold chains took the cake.

He found them in a box of shit that his mom had sent along with her blessing for us to move in together. A non-hoarder like myself, I’m sure she was thrilled to get rid of “Blake’s Stuff” as the box was clearly labeled in black marker.

In a fit of nostalgia, Blake emptied the contents which included old Nintendo games, yearbooks, sports rosters, baseball cards, mixed tapes, pictures, and even some old love letters. His face really lit up when he found two hideous 1980’s gold chains.

It was a nice little story. He told me that his mom had bought the chains for him- one with his number on it- when he made the varsity baseball team. Half-listening I smiled and nodded while the voice in my head screamed, “Confiscate those and hide them immediately.”

I tried to make light of it. I joked that the chains would have to stay in the lovely box of memories. “NO ONE besides Mr. T, Ice T., and W.T. wear gold chains,” I said.

Defiant, and maybe a little hurt, Blake put them on and promised to wear them everywhere we went.

I am not a total b, so I let him wear them to a party or two where I knew everyone would be too toasted to notice. He was so proud of embarrassing me that I think those chains became a symbol of all the things that I made him leave behind.

After a while the matter of the gold chains died down. One day he took them off to shower and didn’t put them back on. After a couple of days, I did what I felt was necessary. I threw them away.

I felt no guilt over this at the time and for the first couple of years of our relationship, I denied that I had any idea where the gold chains were.

On our one year wedding anniversary, I finally admitted to the atrocity that I had committed. It wasn’t guilt that drove me to confess. It was the wine and the man sitting next to us wearing a pimp suit and gold chains.

Over the years our relationship has deepened and so has my guilt. My husband accepts me for who I am. One of the things that I love most about him is that he could care less what I wear. My attire these days mostly consists of beat up jeans and an Ohio State sweatshirt. He thinks that’s sexy.

The 50th wedding anniversary is the “Golden Anniversary”. I pledge now that on Oct. 8, 2,055 I will make it up to Blake. His gift will be a box full of memories of our life together and you guessed it- two gold chains. I am going to have our jeweler make the most ostentatious number 50 for him to wear proudly all around the nursing home.

About an hour after I posted my blog entry yesterday, I received a phone call from Tricia Anglin, Nursing Director for the Butler County Health Department.

She said the department has approved all local doctors offices that ordered the Swine Flu Vaccine to distribute it.

According to Ms. Anglin, the department has decided not to distribute vaccines from the county's supply to the offices because the process the county would have to go through to do this would be too rigorous and require man power the county doesn' t have.

She said that she was very frustrated with the way the CDC has decided to distribute the vaccine. She said the Butler County Health Department had planned on having local partners (doctor's offices).

I could tell she was pretty annoyed talking to me so I didn't push further. From what I gather, the county had assumed the local doctors offices would receive vaccines from the CDC or the manufacturer. I don't think they planned on being in responsible for distributing hundreds of vaccines to hundreds of offices.

Working in the pharmaceutical industry, I can appreciate her perspective. There is all sorts of red tape, regulations, and documentation that is required when working with medication and the government.

So basically, it is what it is. I highly doubt that any Swine Flu vaccines will make it into the private practices.

Looking super forward to standing in a ridiculous line for the kids boosters.

Janie Investigates Vaccination Abomination

I very rarely wake up on the wrong side of the bed, but today was one of those days. I was Pissed off with a capital P from the moment my eyes opened.

When I have days like this, I ask myself- "Self, what is REALLY pissing you off?"

Today I couldn't pin-point anything in particular, so I ran through my mental checklist of things that sometimes set me off before 8 a.m.:

Blake talking to me
Tyler whining
Dog piss and poop on the bathroom rug
A dirty kitchen
Getting puked, pooped, or snotted on after I have showered and dressed for the day

None of the usual suspects were at the root of today's angst. Hmm. Must be PMS. Glorious.

I turned on the Today Show , like I do every morning, and wouldn't you know it- I found a reason to be in a sour mood!

Wall Street Gets Swine Flu Vaccine
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/33651691#33651691

Janie fans- I know you are probably thinking- stop it already with the Swine Flu rants. But in all seriousness, PLEASE watch this story and tell me it doesn't make your blood boil.

The idea that companies are able to get the Swine Flu Vaccine, but my pediatrician and OBGYN office is not, appalls me.

Both offices tell me that they ordered the vaccine back in late summer, but have not received it and don't know if they even will.

My goal today is to channel my bad mood into something productive and lead the movement for "Swine Flu Vaccine Distribution Reform".

To do this, I first needed to understand why hospitals, doctors offices, and pharmacies aren't getting the vaccine.

The next step- find out who is responsible for that decision and rip them a new a-hole.

Finally, encourage everyone I know to be outraged about this as well and provide direction for mass complaints.

So here's the scoop.

I started with calling the Centers for Disease Control. This was a cluster. I was transferred to different operators like three times and hung up on once. I finally got in touch with a semi-informed person (laugh) and she told me, "The world’s five leading flu vaccine manufacturers are struggling to make enough supply to keep up with the global Swine Flu pandemic."

Thanks for the verbatim biotch. I get that part.

After approximately two hours on the phone with various levels of government agencies- national, state, county- I am still not clear on how the vaccine is distributed because I keep getting different answers.

It seems like the state blames the distribution cluster F*%$ on the CDC, the CDC blames it on the county, the county blames it on the state. Etc, etc.

A representative at the Ohio Health Department told me that the CDC is responsible for distributing vaccines to each state based upon its population (also known as project areas). To see how many vaccines your state will receive, go to this link- http://www.flu.gov/individualfamily/vaccination/supply.html

According to my source, the state then distributes the available supply to each county based upon that county's population. The county is then responsible for distributing the vaccination to the community. From what I gather, most counties have done that by holding public clinics for high-risk patients only.

According to the Ohio Health Department representative, (found it interesting that she wouldn't give me her name) physician offices can order and receive Swine Flu Vaccinations, but the office must be inspected by the county for proper storage facilities before receiving their shipment.

The Ohio Health Department representative also told me that in Butler County, where I live; there are only 6 officials to inspect the hundreds of doctors offices awaiting vaccines.

I called my pediatricians office to ask if the practice was aware of the inspection protocol. The practice manager that I talked to told me that she'd ask the doctor in charge of getting the vaccine and get back to me.

Regardless of wheter or not my doctors office have been inspected yet, I find it insulting that the state would feel the need to do this. This office, and others like it, have demonstrated highly competent care and the ability to store and distribute regular flu shots without error.

Many comments and questions come to mind, but most importantly- Why all the extra red tape if the Swine Flu is such a high risk for certain populations?

I randomly chose five pediatrician and five OBGYN practices in my area- other than mine- and none of them have received Swine Flu Vaccinations. Clearly this isn't an issue of an office dropping the ball on getting the storage inspection.

I've been told that the person I need to question is, Tricia Anglin, the Nursing Director for the Butler County Health Department.

So far I haven't been able to reach Ms. Anglin. I did get her voicemail and thought it was interesting- and a little infuriating- that after the formalities she says, "...If you are a provider and are calling about when you will receive your shipment of the H1NI vaccination, I do not have that information, nor will I."

Wow. There is only one word for that statement. Ok, maybe two words- F' ing Wow.

This topic has been covered on the local level all the way up to network giants like The View. Clearly it is a widespread problem and needs to be addressed. If you are as outraged as I am about the way the government has decided to supply the Swine Flu Vaccine, I encourage you to take action and call your county health department. Demand answers and accountability.

If you live in Butler County, feel free to call Tricia Anglin- 513.863.1770. The buck may or may not stop here, but it's a place to start. If I were a betting person, I'd guess that she will deny accountability and send me complaining to someone else.

My kids are due for their swine flu boosters in two weeks. My pregnant sister-in-law has still not received the vaccine. Chances are we will wait again in a long, public clinic line to get the shot. Meanwhile, my pediatrician office and my sister-in-law's OBGYN office will be calling Ms. Anglin only to hear that she has no information for them, nor will she.

In Line For Swine

Before I begin my post, I want to apologize to any Janie fans that may still exist. I have started back to work and have found myself with less time to write than anticipated. Moving forward I promise to write more, but I will warn you- my thoughts and therefore, posts may be more scattered and random than ever before. In the name of time, I am foregoing any loyalty I ever had to grammar and proof-reading.

Last Friday will go down in the books as the day I actually considered murder.

I received an email from my bestest mommy friend alerting me to a swine flu clinic. Fortunately and unfortunately, my children qualified for the vaccine due to their young age.

I had been on the fence as to whether or not I even wanted to vaccinate my kids. But when my babysitter snapped and fired us- due to Tyler's wild temper tantrums- I was forced to put my kids in daycare.

Ach-choo, cough, slobber, runny eyes, blown out diapers, puke .... I didn't need x-ray vision goggles- like the ones on CSI- to see the creepy, crawly germs. They were everywhere. After one day in daycare, I made my decision to have the youngsters vaccinated.

I knew the clinic would be packed and I really didn't want to tote my kids out in the rain, so I called my pediatrician's office to make an appointment. I was a little shocked to find out that they didn't have the H1NI vaccine and weren't confident that they'd even get it.

The concept baffled me. Why would the Center's For Disease Control decide to mass vaccinate people at the Butler County Fairgrounds instead of disseminating the vaccine to local doctors offices?

I called around only to hear the same message-
You want your kids vaccinated? Get your ass up to the fairgrounds and wait in line next to the pig barn.

The irony wasn't lost on me.

Anticipating waiting an hour or two, I packed four diapers per child, snacks, a bottle, toys, warm clothes, umbrellas, the portable DVD player, a worn out copy of The Backyardigan's, and my mom.

When we got about a mile away from the fairgrounds, it became clear just how many people hoped to get their kids’ one of the 13,000 shots up for grabs. The crowd looked like a Wiggles concert had met and married Woodstock. Parents and children alike were lined up in rain gear as far as the eye could see. The clinic had only been open a half-hour and the police had already been enlisted to shut down the operation.

My mom and I took our place at the back of the line and quickly made friends. We got the scoop.
The "good moms" had been lined up since 6 a.m.
There were only eight health department workers on hand to vaccinate over 6,000 people.
There were only two bathroom stalls in operation.

Freaking fabulous. Janie was itching to come out and it was only 10 a.m.

My mother, a nurse, banished us to the car while she waited in line. She said the chance of Pneumonia was as likely as the swine flu. You don't argue with Big Jude, so to the car we went.

After and hour, I was getting restless and I tried to call my mother to get a line update. No answer. No surprise. She always forgets her cell phone at home.

Three hours into the quest against the plague, I was still stranded in the car with two whiney kids and about to loose my cool...
I had to pee- bad.
I had all I could take of The Backyardigan's.
The baby had finished her bottle and was boycotting a nap.
Tyler had blown out 2 out of 4 diapers.

Just as I was pulling down my pants to pee in a diaper too, my mom knocked on the window- I have had two babies. I lose bladder control when I am startled.

She told me that we had at least three more hours to go. It was around that time that I started to understand why some people are driven to murder.

I was so angry. I would say that 85% of the people in line- Babies, toddlers, pregnant women- had private insurance. Instead of being able to go to the doctor and get a vaccine that could save their lives, they had to wait in an absurd line. In the rain. In the cold. At the fair. Two bathrooms?

Somehow my dad finagled his way in to the fairgrounds to save the day. He brought backup supplies and peace. He also reminded me that I voted for Obama and that this is what "Obama-Care" would look like if the public option went through. Ugh. Always a teaching moment.

If there is one person who can get nastier than Janie, it's Big Jude. My dad sent her home and took her place in the world’s longest line.

About four hours into the wait, the DVD player battery died. So did my patience. My sanity. My filter... My hope is that Tyler forgets how to say the F-word before he goes to daycare next week.

After a six hours of waiting, our turn finally came. It was worse than a haunted house. Kids were screaming bloody murder as health department workers frantically vaccinated in an assembly line.

My son looked at me like I had tricked him. I'm sure he thought that after hours of waiting there'd be something cool- like Disneyworld- in store for him. Nope. Just a needle prick in the leg. I hadn't even thought to bring a sucker.

Just as we got to the front of the line it stopped. I was going to go postal if they told me that they ran out. Instead, I had to wait in another line because the nurse had just thrown up. My confidence and my nerves were shattered.

I snapped and started a scene. It was like an out-of-body experience complete with screaming, arms flailing, and foot stomping. I demanded that my kids be vaccinated IMMEDIATELY. We had waited long enough.

I knew that I looked wild, but it must have been worse than I thought because the health department ring leader came from behind her desk and personally vaccinated my kids, myself, and my dad.

As we left the building I noticed the line starting to build again. Some lucky folks had been let in at the last minute and would only have to wait an hour and a half... At least my bestest mommy friend was able to be part of this fortunate group.

I was just about to apologize to my dad for dropping the F-bomb a lot over the last couple of hours and for the scene. I knew he would forgive me, but probably lecture me on cussing out my husband when he called to see how it was going. I was prepared for that, but I wasn't prepared for the emotional breakdown I had when I locked Tyler in the car.

Yep. Still don't know how that happened.

I stood with tears streaming down my face while dad went to get the cops. I called my husband and cussed him out again. I seemed like the logical thing to do at the time.

Tyler was so exhausted that he was asleep before the cop could slide the coat hanger in the door. The lock was popped in 5 minutes and we were homebound after Six LONG hours.

According to the Health Department, in 30 days my kids have to get a second dose of the H1N1 vaccination for it to be fully efficacious.

I, or Janie rather, warned Ms. Health Department ring leader that the government better use those 30 days to get their act together and some pig flu shots delivered to my pediatrician’s office.